Saturday, June 25, 2016

Savage



I don't mind being wrong, as long as I'm right.

_____


I'm in the dog house again because I can't seem to do things correctly.

Big fight last night.

I tried being coy and asked hubby how about we have makeup sex.

His response: We made up?

Oh damn.

Savage

_______


Checked out the newly renovated SFMoMa.

I have to agree with my daughter.

Modern art is frankly bullshit.

So need to be an "artist."

Too bad they got rid of that scary see through bridge.

Sad for all those peeping toms too. 

Oh it's not perverted.

It's art.

____

Holy chapstick

there are some bad dressers out there.

And when I mean bad, I mean bad.

Rainbow tie dye should be outlawed.

And 99% of men who wear sandals, shouldn't.

And for Chrissakes, fat chicks stop it with the skinny jeans already!

Wear your fat girl pants and cover that shit up!

________






___






Thursday, June 23, 2016

Rest My Soul



Up from a power nap.

Try it some time.

It's delicious.

________


Well Company A is moving along and trying to hire my ass quick

but they sure have a lot of red tape.

After numerous interviews and applications,

I'm headed in for a drug test.

For real... in the San Francisco Bay Area!!!

Talk about old school conservative.

Talk about paranoia!

Don't they realize cannabis is the state flower?

Fortunately I prefer a glass of iced coffee over a glass pipe so all should be well.

Wish me luck just the same

because if they start quizzing me on Biblical stuff, I'm so screwed.

________


My NPD is acting up.

My flirty side is ummm...fully charged and willing.

Damn you loose morals.

 Have you no shame at your age?

Apparently it does not.

Yikes.

Good thing I'm just a looky-loo (for now).

I'm keeping my dirty paws to myself thank you very much.

www.dirtyoldwoman.com

________

Getting back on paleo.

It's slow but I'm getting there.

Let's hope nothing gets in my way this time.

Count down to San Diego and ridiculous booty shorts.

Please Jesus make it happen!

Make my body consecrated ground.

A-men.

_______














Wednesday, June 22, 2016

(Fr)Agility





I would like to believe that my social agility is pretty good.

I can navigate and manipulate like a champ!

However, I can't seem to master the art of intimacy.

Ewh, the "I" word...

Emotional reliability is on my to-do list.

Kind of hard having some issues, ya know...

Oh, emotional maturity, where are you and why are you hiding?

_____

I think songwriting is in my future.

Not that I'm musically inclined whatsoever

but can probably write some catchy rhymes

and Thank God for redundant choruses

because that's less for me to write!

ADHD rules!

Sing along baby!

______


Oh San Diego my body isn't ready for you one bit!

Damn you!

I went to the gym yesterday and pounded that dreadmill

but to no avail

I'm still a big mama.

Damnit San Diego.

______







Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Confessions of a Free Range Narcissus





Well hells bells

I'm back here again.

After a day full of errands

I'm feeling a bit fucked up

and I'm sharing.

______


Sweet Jesus

I suck as a wife.

Hubby keeps reminding me so I don't forget.

It's getting so bad I'm desperate for sister wives!

If only I had an eating disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder makes me sound like such a douche.

Yes, I'm a fucking douche!!!

No one calls a bulimic a douche bag. 

______


Ended up confiding with my daughter that if this new job doesn't pan out, 

I might be working at a handjob house.

Probably at a place called "Mayflower Massage."

We got a good laugh at that...

I mean you should see my old lady hands! 

Egads!!!

but I did treat myself to a pedicure

I consider it a public service after all, it's sandals weather

So foot fetish freaks, get your freak on, I'm your gal.

________


Can't wait until daughter is old enough to be a terror on the road.

So tired of being my kids Uber.

Damn kids!!!








Monday, June 20, 2016

Low Life


Stay away 

if you know what's good for you

_____

Am I the Anti-Christ?

I don't think so

I mean, I love babies and kittens

and I hate being in extreme heat

Perhaps a mere cousin to the Devil?

That sounds about right.

_______

Coming from a dysfunctional household

and honestly not ever receiving true parental love, 

I can admit I'm broken inside.

I mean I do want to be loved (adored actually)

and I do want to adore someone right back

(which surprisingly I can be good at)

but all that stuff in between 

I just can't handle very well

Narcissistic Personality Disorder 

I'm what you call pathologically shallow

____


If all goes well (fingers crossed)

I will be starting a new job soon

(Negotiated with Company A for a better salary)

I went out and bought some nice clothes--

not too stuffy but pretty and appropriate enough for the office

Now I just got to drop some weight and got my tongue pierced

____
















Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Hi, I'm Queen of the Damned. Nice to meet you.




Looking 45 am I not?

Aww fuck

_________


Holy Herman

I fucking need a bag of cola gummies because after 

 the circus acts and impressive stunts I have been performing for 

Company A

it turns out their pay scale is equivalent to circus peanuts.

Goddamn it!

So maybe I get a way shorter commute (nice)

 and a slightly more prestigious title (ha ha scoff scoff)

 my previous poorly compensated salary wouldn't budge a bit

WTF??!!

And it's not like Company A has any fucking sexy bennies or discounts

And I would need to dress a whole lot less slutty

 A Goddamn shame

_________

I really need to focus on my driving 

and well, other cars, pedestrians, crosswalks, cops, and speed limits

because I'm a little out of control

and I need to control that shit fast

____________


I'm not morbidly obese

but something tells me

my blood type is

melted cheese

Damn





Tuesday, June 14, 2016

You know?



Awkward

I know

______

Life can be one big nasty hairball puked out by a mangy feral cat.

Take for instance Friend "A" who recently showed me his art.

(Not seen above--I'm at the famous Fillmore Theater (for the Joe Rogan show) next to an awesome Cramps poster)

 I don't like his work very much.

Oh dear

I don't want to be a liar (hate that)

nor an asshole (he'll hate that)

I would like to be somewhat decent and encouraging, I guess.

 Playing nice is societal lubrication.

Need a big bottle of lube.

________

Another interview with same Company A--

and get this another one TOMORROW (different person)

Would be so fucked up if they decided

I wasn't good enough

Fuck you Company A!

________

I really need to stop driving so recklessly

I need to slow the hell damn

and go easy on the road rage

No one likes an asshole on the road

Especially one in a mini-van

You know what I mean?