Thursday, May 26, 2016

Much Ado About Nuffin


Fashion statement of the day:

I would be completely appropriate if only I was going to a bar.

______

It's Open House at school tonight

and although I like any other normal parent, want to fawn over my son's STELLAR art work 

and hear a stream of accolades about my WONDERFUL son,

my anti-social self really has little desire to hobnob with faculty and 

play nice with fellow parents.

I would rather take enormous swigs from a flask around my neck

and nap in the teacher's lounge.

Of course I will behave myself since I'm not a complete fuck up even if 

I dress punk-rock lite and adorn myself with slightly inappropriate accoutrements

(i.e. red lips smoking necklace)

Consider it a form of self-loathing  expression

#Sassyoldlady

_______

Must not turn into a mental midget while unemployed and home alone

Must not get addicted to eating, pornography, QVC, and Latin soap operas

Must not take naps every day unless it's absolutely well enjoyed and deserved

Must try and will myself to the gym tomorrow

Must not flirt with strangers or pick up hitchhikers

Must find a way to curb my evil ways

_____










Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Non-Over Achiever



My Mantra:

This is as good as it gets, so lay off.

Don't cramp my style.
_____

I wouldn't go as far as calling myself a slacker mom,

after all, my house is pretty tidy and not everything I serve my family is processed-

I just baked banana bread for goodness sakes!

but I'm no Silicon Valley woman either

Natural moonlight grey is my hair color of choice

and I like watching TV--a lot.

So here I am

bracing myself and dreading the usual conversation

that hubby will have with me 

since he's got beef on how I raise the kids (free range and loose!), run the household (ditto)

and go around living without much morals,values, ambition and discipline.

Clearly we worship very different gods.

______

I'm such a homebody

When I finally get a job

I'm going to miss the solitude and the naps




Saturday, May 21, 2016

Mom Me




Here I am 

Waiting for take out like a boss

_______

I would like to add reckless driving on my resume under

Technical Proficiencies

______

I need to curb my road rage and also get back into paleo and exercise

I was doing so well but after the whole hospitalization thing

I sorta gave myself the green light

to fuck off and indulge in some tempting carbs

and now here I am

just a few more calories away from

Spanx City

_______

Sleep

You sexy beast

I would like to crawl into bed with you

for hours

Sleep

I want you so fucking badly every night

Sleep

Let's do it

Over and over and over again

Sleep

I want to wake up with you every day

and 

Sleep

with you for hours

______

These nasty stretch marks come courtesy of being a mom

Sweet Jesus

what I do for these kids

______

I love Jesus because he had sexy hair

and was into piercing and shit

He also partied with hookers and drank with his homies



______

Friday, May 20, 2016

If Only


What I lack in motivation, I make up in conviction.

I am so fucking not motivated.

_______

If only I knew how to write and I mean write-write

Sadly a list of what to buy at the grocery store doesn't count as writing--

or at least good writing

 unless of of course I write it in prose:

Apples in red, not green
Baby spinach, triple washed and clean
Paper towels -three in a pack
Annie Organics and other processed snacks

No, I mean scriptwriting or writing a script,

 or writing something that inspires someone else to write a script!

I should be writing for SNL or The Late Show!

I should be writing for Stephen Colbert and getting free pints of his Ben and Jerry's ice cream!

I should be writing for the Animal Channel or Cartoon Network

or the local news

High 70's with light showers

If only, I knew how to write 

Right?

Bummer
________

Busy being jobless

Seriously, I'm busier than ever

If I'm not picking up a kid, a bag of groceries, washing PE clothes, or roasting meat

I'm power napping until I have to pick up something or someone else

______






Monday, May 16, 2016

Slowly, deeply, truly


Moving at turtle speed


______

Oh God

trying to get back into the normal routine

Job search

Exercise

Healthy cooking

Healthy eating

Camp searches

Parenting

Adulting

________

I'm rusty

Still lacking motivation

Need to arm myself with a bag of kale chips

and a jumbo cup of coffee

and a good dosage of sun

________

Thursday, May 12, 2016

For goodness shakes


I'm having a Talking Heads moment:

This is not my beautiful house

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful wife


Damn straight

______

So I went back to the lab

and got my blood drawn

and now I've got the unholy shakes again

This doesn't feel like my body

And sadly, it's not even a thinner body

Feels like awful caffeine jitters without the pleasure of coffee

Looks like middle age is aging me fast

Quick, better get on that bucket list soon

Got upgraded to the Hades Express

All aboard!

______

The LA trip was a success

despite being hospitalized just a few days prior to the road trip

and selecting a questionable AirBNB

Many highlights

and I'm rocking my

High Voltage hoodie

despite being ink free

(poser, I know)

But who can claim they saw

Kat Von D tattoo Prince's face on someone's ass?

I can!

Sweet Jesus LA is a trip

_______

Oh this shaking in my nervous system is downright

unsettling

Almost as unsettling as me being unemployed for THIS long

Maybe the gods are telling me something

like here's your chance girl

to do something new

But I don't know

I don't speak god

________




Friday, May 6, 2016

Oh dear


Does this hospital gown make me look fat?

______


Well, I'm no longer hospitalized

but two blood transfusions later

I'm back at home

and getting ready for a road trip to LA

(Happy Birthday daughter of mine)

Turns out the excessive bleeding I was having

made me severely anemic

and basically I was bleeding to death.

Sweet Jesus

Well this explains the constant shortness of breath

Not enough oxygen in this here old gal

Still sick

but not deathbed sick

Good Lord

I hate needles and blood

so gross!!!

Well I guess I'll never be a IV drug user

Hurray

_______