Friday, February 12, 2016

Pretty in pink?


Still on the fence

Do I look a little old lady-ish?
Does this strike you as "I'm lounging by the pool in Boca Raton"?

Maybe, right?

All that is missing is some loose tanned scratchy skin.

Egads

Fortunately I moisture this face.

So crocodile I am not.
________

Well I was going to do my usual (daily?) rant about homelife
(I'm apparently still in the dog house rough! rough!)
but since it's Friday
(Thank YOU Herman love of my life)
I'm just going to make nice
 own this look
(pink/Boca Raton-ish)
and pretend all is swell.

All is swell!
All is swell!
All is swell!

(If you say it enough times you start to believe)

So...Happy Friday!

 (We survived yet another week of mild drudgery)

Ta-da!
Winner winner chicken dinner

________


Cher - Google Search:

 Cher from the 70's.

She was so awesome

Plunging vest
Feathers
Killer confidence
Sexy and powerful

Now THAT is my idea of feminism.

Who's with me?

______


You might have guessed it
from my sunny disposition but
I'm not buying into Valentine's Day.

Another made up cunty cunning Hallmark holiday to make people feel shitty:
No one loves me--wahhhh!

Another scheme to have people*
spend on shit that their (in)significant doesn't need or want or like.

A dozen red roses and a heart shaped box of chocolate:

Kill. Me. Now.

Not only is that so predictable and boring,
roses smell like old lady perfume
and that cheap ass grainy chocolate tastes like candles.

Yum
Waxy

Don't be a dinosaur fool and spend $50 on that shit.
Just get her car detailed if you have to partake in this nonsense.


I personally would love to wear a tee shirt that says:

I fucking hate VD


You feel me?



*chumps
_____


Sleeping cats.:

Now this is love.

So cute
Must die


(all images courtesy of Pinterest)

________

Thursday, February 11, 2016

All or Nothing



New lipstick, same girl

______

Since I have a hard time saying no to all things delicious and bad for me
I'm removing the temptations from my life until I learn some self control.

Family size can easily become single serving if you know what I mean.

So far it's been working.
Having no cookies is easier than having half of a cookie.
Trying to portion a bag of chips is useless
And a bite of pizza is just soul crushing.
I'll stick to my bag of jicama thank you very much.

Gone are the days of having sex with carbs 
And performing oral to chocolate--
I abstain from your deliciousness.

Ah...

It's been swell but the swellings gone down.

_______

Hope I don't become one of those girls that you can't take anywhere.

"Sorry I can't eat that."
"Can you make that gluten free?"
"Do you have organic grass fed beef?"

Ugh
Even I hate myself.

I'm not trying to change anyone-just me.
I just hope I don't become a Debbie Downer.

What's the use of wearing this if you just bum everyone out?

If I had a wicked body like her I would wear something like this:
(Pinterest)

________

I doubt I could become those skinny girls with super straight stick-like legs
Those are the very lucky few that genetically can't gain weight

I'm not into thick either
I like big thighs and breasts in chicken.

Truly doubt it if I will achieve a Cross Fit body
Just too lazy to work that hard

Just want to wear my favorite Betsey Johnson dress that is still in hiding.

________


Remember this cheeky Betsey Johnson design?

Ha ha

Love it.

_________

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Like the commercial, but only suckier

I get it, we all have triggers.
For some it's traffic, thus road rage
For me, it's lack of sleep
 (Better bacdafucup-momma is moody)

For others, it's feeling hungry.

So when this certain someone gets hungry
It's sorta like that Snickers commercial when the dude
turns into a diva or a nutcase

However my certain someone becomes a dick
and since it's healthy eating in my house
I can't cure it with no damn chocolate bar.

Damn.
________



don't usually pay attention to these, but this one is quite accurate:

Holy crap-that's me!

_______



Rocking the granny look

______

I could kill for a massage and a nap
and some paleo coffee that won't make me wince.

I can handle eating like a cavewoman
but I do miss a nice cup of coffee in the morning with milk and sugar.

Need to keep my eyes on the prize:

Boho chic bikini top...want, but of course the link doesn't show where to buy it. Ugh.:
Yup all of this...


Damn straight I'll be parading around in this if I can get down to my fighting weight.

Holy shit if I'm wearing this to the grocery store I'll be having lots of eyes on my prizes.

Boo-ya!

Now if only my trick knee doesn't blow out again.

Must take it nice and easy and not disturb her delicate disposition.

Cranky knee that she is.

The joys of getting older.

Yeah, rock that granny...





Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Cheating much?





I’m a (not-so) big fat cheater.
Broke down and ordered a Starbucks latte with coconut milk.
I’m sure their coconut milk is sweetened but I’m going to feign ignorance 
and pretend I’m still on point with paleo.

So back off haters and cave dwellers-
I really needed this today.

 _______

Speaking of cheating,
 I did break down and scarfed a little too much (a lot)
fried (ugh) salt and pepper squid (battered of course) during yesterday’s Chinese New Year dinner. 

(cheater cheater batter eater)

I did avoid the other carbs (yah!) so I can get a little high and mighty if I want to.
I just don’t want to (today).

 _______

Super Bowl City is turning into Super Bowl Shitty.

Holy craps-what kind of union bullshit is this? 
Super Bowl has come and gone and the roads are still blocked off with fencing and pylon. 
Speed up people--fun time is over.
Maybe these folks gotta save getting high until after the job is completely done.
What’s up with everyone always smoking out in public btw? 
Damn, hit it at home peoples...

________

Trying to stay motivated at work is hard—super hard. 
I need something to look forward to.
 I’m feeling oh-so low from this daily grind.
Like James Earl Jones kind of low.
 I’m sure I’m not alone since this city smells like weed all the time.
God give me strength.

_______


Another beautiful spring like day here in sunny California.

Perfect for napping and raising my very low Vitamin D level.



Sunshine, save me a seat--I'll see you in a sec.
______

Monday, February 8, 2016

Come on get happy



Happy Chinese New Year!


Monkey around folks

Especially if it's your year!

_________


love the big balloon cluster, use of color scheme (obviously in blues though) and use of solid and opaque balloons:
(Pinterest)


Ah, 70 degrees out (and Day 6 of Paleo)

How blissful 

Missed you my warm weather friend.

Big hugs!

Plan on seeing me later this afternoon sans sweater.

(So need to get in shape because these arms are looking sad!)

_______

Glad Superbowl madness is over.

Hope my city made some good memories for all you visitors.

I expect the homeless and crazy winos will be coming back with a vengeance.

Boo.

_______


Busy weekend again-

This time I had a much anticipated yard sale with my friend.

We had a lot of fun being all sorts of silly.

I'm looking forward to being a little old lady--

maybe by then I can be drinking coffee with sugar and eating donuts too.

We might do it again in a few months-

more hoots to boot!

(and I'll be dressed up in costume for sure)

Mo money, mo money, mo money!

Ha ha

PS: For that really pushy older couple that was rude to my friend:

I recommend Googling "proper etiquette for haggling" and taking down plenty of notes.

People can piss me off.

I'm all for bargain shopping but that nickel and diming bullshit is unacceptable.

And on top of that being demanding.

Don't demand shit regardless of cultural differences.

My Brooklyn came out fast.

Word.

_______





Friday, February 5, 2016

Hells Bells


Hair trouble, but hey



It's an effing Friday!

Thank you God, Goddesses, Ancient Ancestors, Tree Spirits and Herman.

_______

Day 3 of Paleo--

Didn't join the gym yet but I did do my incredibly gruesome Telegraph stairs during my lunch break yesterday so I don't feel like such a slacker. 


Don't feel the need to KILL for carbs yet, but I'm anticipating some temptation soon enough.

Made some homemade quiches for the kids last night and didn't sneak a bite.
The smell was divine
but I think I finally got my priorities straight. 
Fun and games are over--50 is right around the corner 
and I can't go to Ibiza looking like a slub, now can I?

 MILF or Muffin Top?

_______

Bad idea:

Tattoos behind the ear
The concept is cool but the execution always looks so jank.

Littering
So low class

Dye job from a box
If you are going to go that route, head to a professional.
(You wouldn't try your own dental work with some pliers would you?)

Excessive speeding
I'm all for a little speed, but on the dark country road with meandering deers
it might be worthwhile to be a little cautious.
Tokyo Drift it is not.
(and get off my ass!!!)

X-Files
I loved the old X-Files but the new one is a bit meh.
 Agent's Scully deep slow paced breathlessness/pensiveness is a little too much for my liking.
I can't quite describe it,
but it's as if she's in a Shakespearean play.
Umm, can you say your lines like a normal person?
The chemistry is also off.
I want to believe.
I do.
________





Thursday, February 4, 2016

Driving with Ms Crazy


Guess who has her own cat bus?



All aboard the crazy train!


Me--yow!!!

_______

Day 2 of Paleo Diet:

No sugar, carbs, dairy, processed anything

just clean food

for a cleaner body and mind.

So far my head is pounding

But I know it will pass with time.

My husband is praying I become his cross fit wife in sexy yoga pants.

Oh God-

I've got my work cut out for me!

Here's to a leaner, cleaner PLANNING Melanie in sexy yoga pants

starting NOW.

(BTW: Coffee with unsweetened coconut milk is kind of yucky.)


_______

Life is still full speed ahead-

even with the mommy mobile.

I don't even think my kids are overly taxed but living way out in the suburban woods

is so time consuming.

I really need to move to somewhere a little less burbish.

All that yard space wasted on us.

Stupid trampoline.

My kids are useless!


Thursdays are our somewhat chill day.

Gonna go home and cook, empty out that dishwasher already (!!!),

take out the recyclables

and possibly join the gym (this deserves a whole lot of these:!!!!!!)

We'll see...

This ole gal just might end up in front of the TV watching the latest X-Files.

Must fight the dark side...
______