Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Everyday I'm Hustling

From the Wonderful Desk of Melanie:

Nah, just making shit up.

(Still need to do something with this hair.)


Who watched the Warriors game with me last night?

Talk about a snooze fest.

Even the crowd was a little sleepy

(and this is without the turkey induced coma).

Winning is sweet

but winning by 18-20 points is a bit uneventful.

Even the Dubs was like

okay whatevs,

who wants to play?

Off the bench and on the floor they go!

Jerome, the janitor!

Harry from accounting!

Benji from security!

Anyone with a jersey had a chance.

I guess that's teamwork folks.


Had a crazy sexy dream this morning.

Sweet Jesus.


This is my Friday.

Big kiss to the world.

I'm feeling that good!



i love you california:

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Bah humbugs

This is what an angry 44 year old mother looks like.

I don't get it.

I seriously don't get it.

What is up with holiday shopping?

Why are we obligated to do this year in and year out?

How many mugs could a person have?

Who the fuck wants to wear a bowtie?

Why would you need another bathrobe?

Who actually uses candles?

Why buy me a scarf if the one I own is perfectly fine?

See, I don't get it.

I'm so anti-consumption.

It makes my skin crawl like meth.*

My cheapie wallet is just fine, and if I want a new one

I'll make one myself!

Christmas shopping sucks.

I'm so over it-and I haven't even started!

Me and the old man don't see eye to eye.

He wants to see an orgy of gifts under the tree.

Every fucking year.

All that money.

All that crap.

All that energy.

I'd much rather sit through a painfully bad (they are all bad IMO) Steven Seagal movie

than stand in line with a bunch of other miserable bastards.

Please Herman

Please don't make me a miserable bastard this year,

*just kidding--never tried meth but apparently meth heads feel insanely itchy all the time. Yuck.

In Pursuit of Something Other

From the not too significant desk of Melanie:


I'm feeling and looking so


This is as good as it gets.


Yesterday I felt so incredibly boring and I promised myself to wear a little color.

That didn't quite do the trick.

Still incredibly boring.


I've got skinny girl envy.


God I just need to make a real commitment-

a life long one

and stick with it.

Wouldn't that be lovely?

I regret scarfing down those crepes.



I'm in the mood to buy some new clothes

slouchy sweaters

boyfriend jeans

and oh, I've got my eyes on this number:

All Day Long Sweatshirt Dress

The slit makes me a little nervous.

I like to bend over with ease.

It's not a requirement but it's plenty helpful.


Monday, November 23, 2015

Work with what you got

From the ill-proportioned desk of Melanie:

Too much hair and too much of everything.

What on earth...

Not sure how I came out like this.

Really, what a freak of nature.

No need to see anymore folks.

It's ungodly.


Man, yesterday...

First Lego League

Still too weak to talk

unless I do my Michael Buffer voice

(ummm Melanie Buffering???)

Straight out of sunny California, where avocados are still in abundance, 

let's give it up for your Mistress of Ceremony--

the one and only:

Melanie--the wild child without any style!!!

woot woot


Had fun (most of time)

Worked the mic with my improv antics

(What can I say--I'm gifted like that)

Got so delirious at the end of nearly 10 hours on my feet

that I kept calling the judges hot


Poor son is devastated his mom

is such a ham

a clown

insanely fearless?

 I might be short, fat and too ugly to be one of those card girls,

but I can still command a stage when I wanna



(drop the mic)


 Found on Pinterest:

This is WOOD people.

Hand carved.

I kid you not.


Not only is her shape all correct

she is in motion!


Stunningly life-like figures hand carved from wood by Peter Demetz.:
Italian artist Peter Demetz

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Sincerely, truly yours

From the somewhat hungry desk of Melanie:

Need to get lunch.

Whoop there it is.


Not much to say

just happy everyone has clean underwear on

(did laundry last night)

can serve some leftovers for dinner tonight

(we had Vietnamese take out yesterday)

am giddy that Blake and Gwen are a couple

(but nervous because we all know not to date a co-worker)

unprepared for Thanksgiving

(making crack pie again--kids love crack)


really determined to do something about this hair.

(My god, I look drab)


I didn't think invisibility was one of my skills,

but apparently it is.

At least in the office I have it.

I seem to go unnoticed for hours.


Emceeing on Sunday

Should be fun

I haven't done this kind of thing for decades

Looking forward to pumping up the crowd

and making a jackass out of myself.

Should be fun for all


One man’s trash is another artist’s treasure, or I think that’s how it goes. Sydney-based artist Freya Jobbins makes bizarre sculptures of human faces and chiselled physiques, as well as famous characters like The Terminator, Darth Vader, and Batman. What’s more amazing is her choice of material: hundreds of discarded doll body parts. The process […]:

This sculpture of baby parts is too amazing.

Adding this to the Christmas list

or my to-do list.

(this might take a while for me to knock off)

The taxidermied chick from the Bone Room is definitely on the list.

I better let the kids know

mommy needs a dead chick.


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Stockholm Syndrome Much?

From the retro desk of Melanie:

A little Charlie's Angels-esque?


I am eating cola gummies like an addict and
I'm trying to shake off this morning's hoopla.

Um, let's just say it's not easy to be 
lectured in the morning.

A tablespoon of self righteous is a little hard to swallow.

Add in a quarter teaspoon of hostility and
you've got one yummy breakfast treat.

Being that I'm not part elephant, turtle or rhinoceros
my skin isn't so thick.

My body armor consists of sighs,
eye rolls,

Tears are an added bonus.


On a different note...

My decoupaged sneakers got another transformation!

I peeled off a bunch of layers to get this pseudo-camo look.

Still a hot mess

(as if I care)

I might hit it with some spray paint tonight since I clearly don't give a damn.

Wow, Christmas is right around the corner.


Run and hide.

I anticipate a meltdown.


that's me having a fit.


Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Thank God

From the multi-layered desk of Melanie:

Wearing a rainbow around my neck.

You should consider wearing one too.


So need to catch a break NOW.

There's just so much this old gal can take before 

pretty rainbow necklace

turns into a not so pretty noose.

Must channel Little Orphan Annie.

So need a Daddy Warbucks.

Would prefer to keep it Rated G if you know what I mean.


Being married for 19 years is a bit ridiculous.

Talk about the world's longest soap opera/sitcom/horror story/documentary.

I baffle him often.

He criticizes me often enough.

We are a mismatched couple,

two puzzle pieces shoved together to fit 

By golly God help us.

A little like Oscar and Felix

but slightly less two dimensional.

More like Archie and Edith

but hopefully a little less racist and nasal sounding?

He can be a little too predictable for my liking

and I'm a little too random for his.

Still with all these head butting trials

we try our best to navigate the world together, 

survive plunges with some freaking spotty parachutes,

 tolerate the grind of parenthood, 

celebrate the joys of parenthood,

laugh at silly cat videos,

enjoy the occasional garage sale together


make it all worth it in the bedroom.

Thank God for hot sex.



Please-I've been married for 19 years Chrissakes...